Fortune Cookies!

Free food rules. This holds true in almost every context. If someone were to give me a big ol’ steaming plate of free mushrooms, I would probably disagree. That hasn’t happened so far, though. Today, we got some free Chinese food at work. It was delicious, and its deliciousness was enhanced by its lack of cost on my part. The food itself is really beside the point, though. What matters to me today is the fortune cookies.

I had three fortune cookies. I’m superstitious about my fortune cookies, which I acknowledge as really stupid an immature. Bear with me. I believe that if you don’t eat the cookie in its entirety before reading the fortune, then the fortune won’t come true. So, I ate each cookie diligently before reading the words of wisdom printed on the paper inside. This only becomes funny for the third cookie, so you’ll just have to wait a bit, biting your tongue in suspense, until I get to that part of the story.

I ate the first cookie, which was actually dipped in chocolate for added…um…fortune. Tasty. After munching and crunching, I read the fortune: “You are competent and careful”. My first reaction was to laugh, because really, I’m neither. OK, there are some things that I guess I’m competent at. Other things, not so much. Careful? Now that’s just silly. If it’s winter and I go into a store, my coat will be responsible for knocking 50% of said store’s merchandise to the floor. I suppose that there are things that I’m careful about. I’m exceedingly cautious to the point of being obnoxious when it comes to my daughter. After giving it thought, I’ve decided that that first fortune applies to my skills as a father. Competent? I hope so. Careful? Annoyingly so. Onward!

The second cookie wasn’t as tasty. It was just a plain old fortune cookie, sans chocolate. Nonetheless I ate it with gusto, in preparation for my glorious fortune. I picked up the slip of paper and read, “As the wallet grows, so do the needs.” Mmmhmm. Thank you very much, delicious cookie, for so aptly paraphrasing Puff Daddy. Also, both of the cookies that I had eaten so far contained proverbs rather than fortunes. I wanted a fortune cookie, not a proverb cookie. I decided to try my hand at a third cookie, in a similar fashion to the way that parents of two boys always try a third time for that elusive girl. I wanted a fortune, and nothing was going to stop me.

I unwrapped the third cookie from its plastic packaging and watched, to my horror, as it slipped from my grasp and plummeted to the floor. The golden, crisp cookie shell shattered, revealing the paper that had been snugly nestled within. I did what any self-respecting superstitious fortune cookie eater would do in this situation: I glanced over my shoulder to make sure no one was watching, dusted off the pieces, and quickly ate them before reading the fortune. Hey, it’s important.

To my delight, it was indeed a fortune: “A business trip will bring you excellent results.” Uh huh. Hey, you stupid cookie! I don’t ever go on business trips! What the holy heck? My only interpretations for this fortune are that either it applies to the semi-distant future and lawyering, or it means that someone else’s business trip. After all, it just says “A business trip”, not “Your business trip”. So maybe some executive from some awesome music company will be on a business trip and happen to hear me jamming out with one of my bands in a basement somewhere, and will burst through the door and send us all on to become rich beyond our wildest dreams. Sweet.

3 comments:

areabassist said...

My wife refuses to pick the first fortune cookie, as she's scared of picking the wrong fortune.

I also don't read my fortune until I eat the entire cookie. And lucky for you, science has proven the validity of the five second rule.

I would be extremely amused if I showed up to Ghola rehearsal one day and a bunch of record company A&R guys were just milling about, having gotten lost on the way to see some assclowns at the Turf Club.

Ben said...

Hee hee. That would rule.

In related news, I'm totally listening to Frostsaber right now.

rhyan/djay said...

That third fortune could also mean that you're going to trip over something at work and land on your back to find yourself sprawled beneath some fantasticly beautiful woman who remembered to wear a skirt, but forgot to wear underwear that day.